The Pink Elephant in the Room

            Does it ever feel like your thoughts have a will of their own? An annoying pop song you haven’t heard for years pops in your head. You’re talking to your mother on the phone, and you suddenly remember you need to take the roast out of the freezer. A restful night sleep is suddenly sabotaged by a flood of worries that you cannot seem to stop. For many people, thoughts are just something that happens to them. Unfortunately, this perception has consequences, for most people spend little time evaluating and understanding their thoughts to identify patterns and challenge false ideas. 

            Thoughts never come by themselves; they bring with them other thoughts which are connected, in both obvious and subtle ways, to each other. Think of a network of trails, each trail branching into multiple trails and intersecting with others, creating a maze of paths and connections. That is your mind, only a much simpler version. Life experiences have created in each of us an intricate network of thought-trails comprised of connected thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and assumptions. These thought-trails are extremely beneficial as they allow us to quickly make judgments and decisions about what we see and experience every day. Beck called these “schemas” which is a fancy way of saying they are shortcuts; they connect present situations to past situations to interpret what is happening and inform how we should respond.

            Imagine you are walking down the sidewalk and suddenly hear a siren a couple of streets over. Imagine how distressing and confusing that would be if you had to relearn where that siren was coming from, what it meant, if it was a threat or a warning, and what you should do in response. Fortunately, your past experiences have created a shortcut between the idea of the siren and the idea of an ambulance, an idea that is connected to the idea of “help” and not “danger,” so when you hear the siren, you are able to remain relaxed and continue walking down the street.

            However, an issue arises when the schemas we have developed are unhelpful, unrealistic, or unhealthy. An alcoholic, for example, has created a thought-trail in which the most effective way of dealing with unwanted stress/emotions is to drink alcohol excessively. Because it works, he returns to it each and every time, despite the negative consequences it has on his relationships, work, health, etc. 

            So, if some thought-trails are healthy while some are unhealthy, the question is, “How do I make sure I only go down the healthy thought-trails while avoiding the unhealthy ones?” To answer this question, we must first decide if we actually have control over our thoughts, for if we don’t, then there is nothing that can be done except go along for the ride. Let’s do an experiment:

Don’t think about a pink elephant!

            Now I have you thinking about a pink elephant, don’t I? It probably feels like I planted the idea in your head, and every time I type the words “pink elephant” the idea is replanted into your brain. And no matter how hard you try NOT to think about that dastardly pink elephant, your brain keeps holding onto it; like a virus in a computer, it will not leave. 

            So, is this evidence that I am controlling your thoughts? Well, not exactly. Certainly, by the very nature of writing those words, I am putting thoughts into your head, but you have a choice to either keep it or to let it go in one side and out the other. And, by continuing to mention the pink elephant, I am making it really difficult for you to let go of the idea. But what if you stopped reading this article for 10 minutes? Try it; go watch a YouTube video or read a book or call a friend on the phone or do the dishes. 

            We all know what will happen because it happens to us on a daily basis. Given enough time and sufficient distractions, the thoughts which were inescapable only moments ago disappear. If you watched a YouTube video, the pink elephant disappeared from your thinking (unless you watched a video about a pink elephant, which would just be silly). It is in this way that we take active control of our thoughts, even those which seem inescapable in the moment. 

            Now, what if that thought had been a fear, perhaps the fear that your boss was going to fire you because you were two minutes late to work. The same tactics (and many others) I just described would help you to let go of the idea. 

            Okay, this is all good information, but you’re probably wondering what happened to our little triangle. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about it. But, to truly understand the connection between our thoughts and the rest of the triangle, we first had to understand how our thinking works. 

            As I noted in the previous post, our thoughts start the cycle. It is our thoughts which trigger our emotions (not the other way around, as it often seems). Sarah’s friend cancels their coffee date for the fifth time in a row, and she suddenly feels sad and begins to think that no one likes spending time with her. But what she might have missed is that her friend canceling on her triggered the thought that no one likes spending time with her, which caused her to suddenly feel sad. It is the thought which causes the feeling. 

            This brings us to the importance of being able to identify, understand, and, ultimately, control our thoughts. As a result of managing what we think about (only going down healthy thought-trails, challenging false thoughts, etc.) we are also able to regulate our emotions (and in turn our behaviors, but that is for a later post). 

            Think of the Sarah’s situation with her friend. It’s not true that “no one likes spending time with her,” but in the moment it certainly hurts to be cancelled on. By connecting her thoughts to her feelings, she can challenge and revise her thinking to a more accurate, healthy pattern of thinking. For example, she could tell herself, “Clearly this person does not feel the same I do about this relationship, but that’s okay because I have many other people who have demonstrated that our relationship is important to them.” Or she can remind herself that there are many reasons why someone might need to cancel. Either of these thoughts could cause her to feel differently about the situation. 

            As you have probably begun to notice, there are multiple ways to control your thinking and they fall into three categories: distraction, challenging, and reframing. To learn more, read the blog post “On Thought Control”. Sarah, in reminding herself that there may be many reasons why her friend cancelled on her, is challenging her initial thoughts and reframing the situation in a way that removes herself from the center of the equation. Perhaps, her friend cancelled for a reason that had nothing to do with Sarah. 

            Often, our initial reaction to any event is to internalize it, e.g. to make it about ourselves. The clerk at the grocery store gives you a cold reception when you say “hello.” Is this because she doesn’t like you? Because she saw something in you she didn’t like? Because she does not agree with your grocery choices? Because you fumbled with the canned peas and they fell onto the belt? Or possibly it’s because she just learned that morning that her son is back in jail for violating his probation, and she is scared he will be sent to prison. “But she clearly saw me drop the cans, so it must have been about that!” you say. Sure, it could be. But you don’t know that, so why waste emotional energy on it, when it just as easily could be something that has nothing to do with you. 

            See, not everything is about you, but sometimes our thoughts confuse us into thinking it is. By actively identifying and then reframing thinking patterns, you can remove yourself from the equation (yes, it’s easier to write than to do), thus changing the way you think about the situation entirely.